Remembrance
by Marianne H. Stillie
Summary: As Lt. Colonel John Sheppard journeys back from Earth, Teyla comes to terms with the painful events of her past.


Title: Remembrance

Author: Marianne H. Stillie

Categories: Drama, Angst, Missing Scene before "The Intruder"

Rating: T

Pairing: Sheppard/Teyla

Season: Season 2

Summary: As Lt. Colonel John Sheppard journeys back from Earth, Teyla comes to terms with the painful events of her past.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places for Stargate Atlantis are the property of MGM Worldwide Television Distribution, Sony Pictures Television and Acme Shark Cooper/Wright Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment, not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks are intended. Previously unrecognized characters, places and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without the author's permission.

Copyright (c) 2006 Marianne H. Stillie

Author's Note: There is so little backstory for Teyla, I'm proposing this scenario as her reason for being so obviously drawn to John Sheppard right from the beginning but also for being so cautious and hesitant about her growing feelings for him during Season 1.

In traditional hunter/gatherer societies, the members of the tribe tended to marry young. For the Athosians, under constant peril from the Wraith, this would be even truer.

* * *

Remembrance

Teyla watched the jumper as it headed back to the city of Atlantis. She turned and started walking toward the Athosian encampment.

Her pace was steady and directed now that she had made her decision. She waved and nodded and smiled to everyone who greeted her but she did not stop walking until she reached Charin's tent.

"Charin?" Teyla called as she entered.

The elderly woman looked up from the pot of soup she was stirring. "Teyla! What a wonderful surprise."

The two women embraced then sat at the table.

"What brings you here, child?"

"I wish you to guide me through a remembrance ritual."

"You performed the ritual for your parents long ago. Why do it again?"

"Not for them. For Janos."

Controlling her surprise, Charin said very gently, "All these years you have refused to acknowledge his death. Why now?"

"It is time for the past to be put in its place. I need to say goodbye."

"Does saying this goodbye mean that you see other things in your future?"

"Since our brothers came from the Milky Way galaxy, this galaxy has a new hope. I wish to free myself to work with them fully."

"But you have already done that. Saying goodbye to Janos is a more personal act." When Teyla looked away, Charin said, "The green-eyed one reminds me of Janos."

The young woman looked back at her very dear friend and answered honestly, "There are many similarities between them. But one is long-dead while the other is very much alive."

Charin smiled. "When will he return?"

"In three days."

"Remembrances of this kind can be quite intense. You will need time to recover."

"That is why I wish you close to me, as you were when my pain and sorrow were new."

Taking Teyla's hands in hers, Charin said softly, "We will begin at sunset."

* * *

A gentle wind whispered through the thick stand of trees surrounding the secluded glade. It fanned the growing flames of the freshly lit fire in its circle of stones. Charin watched Teyla closely as she fed the fire from the good-sized pile of seasoned wood beside her.

The young woman sat cross-legged a few feet away, a hand resting on each knee. Her breathing, once agitated, had evened and slowed as she let her body relax into the familiar mediation routine. Only her eyes, wide and darting at each flicker of the fire, showed the anxiety she hid so well.

Charin waited patiently until she saw Teyla's eyes grow heavy. Finally, they closed. A peaceful smile replaced the tense lines she had come to this place with.

"What do you see, Teyla?"

"I am running!" she answered with the excited laughter of a child.

* * *

_Legs pumping, breath struggling, heart pounding, I run up the last yards of the familiar hill west of our encampment. Glancing over my shoulder, I see Janos very close behind. With a last determined burst of speed, I reach the top first. Collapsing onto the sweet summer grass, I wait for him._

_Seconds later, Janos falls to his knees beside me. He leans forward, gulping air into his lungs. "You run too fast, Teyla," he says haltingly as he catches his breath._

_Sitting up, I laugh joyfully. "You may be taller and stronger now that you are becoming a man, Janos, but I am Tagan Emmagan's daughter. I will be leader some day and I will always reach the top of this hill first."_

"_Your pride will be your downfall, Teyla Emmagan," Janos grins as he stands up. _

_He holds out his hand to help me to my feet. As soon as I am standing, he begins running back the way we came. Over his shoulder, he shouts, "See you at the bottom!"_

_This time, he is waiting for me. _

* * *

Her breath coming quickly, Teyla slipped out of the long-ago memory. Charin held out a water skin. She took it gratefully and drank deeply.

She stared into the bright red embers of the fire. "By the following summer, Janos had grown so much taller and stronger, I could no longer reach the top of the hill first. But he always let me get back to the bottom before him."

"That was a good memory, child. Shall we continue?"

"Yes," she smiled, allowing the precious memories that came next to drift out of the closed places in her mind. Her eyes slipped shut again.

* * *

_As I approach our tent, I hear two male voices from inside, my father's rich baritone and Janos' enthusiastic and energetic tenor._

"_Tagan Emmagan, I wish to marry your daughter."_

"_Teyla will someday be leader of the Athosian people. Why should I give permission for you to marry her?"_

"_I have proved myself as a hunter and provider. Teyla will never want for anything as my wife. And I will protect her with all my strength and fighting skills."_

"_Many other young Athosian men could do likewise."_

_I hear Janos' voice become softer as he answers my father, "Teyla is my friend and I have loved her since we were children."_

"_It is important for a man and a woman to like and respect each other before they come together and begin a family."_

"_I both like and respect Teyla more than anyone I know."_

"_Does my daughter feel the same about you, Janos Sasone?"_

_I burst into the tent and answer, "I do, father."_

_Janos is so startled at my sudden appearance, all he can say is, "I did not know she would be there."_

_My father ignores Janos' sputtered comment and turns to me. "An Athosian leader needs a strong and loving mate by their side," he says very seriously. Then he smiles, "You have chosen well, my daughter."_

_I kneel beside my father and put my hands on his shoulders. Touching foreheads, I whisper, "Thank you, father."_

* * *

The memories flood into her mind ever faster, wanting to be heard. With only a very brief glimpse of the real world, Teyla was taken back to the past again.

* * *

_At the next full moon, we are married. As with all soon-to-be-married Athosian women, I had been prepared for my first time by the older women. But nothing they explained was as wonderful as it turned out to be._

_The night's deep sleep faded, allowing sound and feeling to come through to my senses. My first instinct is to reach for Janos under the fur robe covering our bed. In the few weeks since our marriage, I had become used to the warmth of a man's body beside me. Finding only empty space, I rub my eyes and sit up. _

"_Good morning, sleepyhead," Janos says from across the room and plucks the strings of the lute in his lap. _

_I wrap the robe around me against the chill morning air and walk across the room. Dropping to the floor, I snuggle close to him. "I do not like it when you are not beside me."_

_The laughter in his sparkling green eyes spreads across his face into his infectious smile. "You are enjoying our marriage, Teyla?" _

"_I enjoy your body, in sleep and in our lovemaking." I wrap my arms around his neck. Without warning, his mouth covers mine then slowly makes its way down my throat. Expecting Janos' eager hands to reach under the robe, I am disappointed when he moves away. _

_His now-serious eyes search my face, "If you become as strong a leader as you are a lover to me, our people will be very lucky."_

_Wrapping my arms tightly around him, I whisper into his thick dark hair, "Sing for me, the way you did last night."_

_With a fresh ripple of laughter, he lets me go and picks up the well-worn lute he had made and learned to play when he was a boy. The music and his strong voice blend smoothly for several minutes. While his fingers continue plucking the melody, he asks, "When were you going to tell me about our child?"_

_My quick intake of breath gives me enough time to compose a response. "How did you know?"_

_Laughing softly, he looks at me. "I have a mother and two older sisters. You have not experienced a woman's cycle since we married. That means only one thing."_

_I smile. "I hope he has your eyes."_

"_I hope she sings as beautifully as you do," and he begins playing the notes of a tune he had composed for me. _

_My heart bursting with waves of joy, I begin to sing with my husband. _

* * *

The warmth of the fire added to the deep passion and happiness Teyla's memories had awakened. Without realizing it, her suppressed grief had also hidden the beauty and love her young heart had once known.

Noting Teyla's glorious smile, Charin whispered, "Janos loved you very much."

"Yes, he did," she said gratefully.

"Do you wish to rest before we finish the remembrance?"

Holding tightly to the good memories, Teyla answered, "No." Clenching her fists as they rested on her knees, she closed her eyes one last time.

* * *

_Stepping through the Ring of the Ancestors, my father and I are surprised at the quiet on Athos. The closer we get to the village, the more apprehensive we become. Finally, the sounds of wailing and the traditional lamentations for the dead reach our ears. The large number of voices tells us what happened while we were away trading._

_We begin to run and are met by my father's friend Winn. "Tagan, we grieve for your family's losses."_

_His eyes wide with fear, my father asks, "Magda?"_

_Winn nods and my father runs frantically toward the tent where my mother should be. I want to run after him, but the word 'losses' tears at my heart. Janos had left early this morning with a dozen others for a much-needed hunt. _

_I run to our tent on the other side of the encampment. Even before I reach it, I hear Janos' mother wailing. _

"_No!" I scream and drop to my knees. _

* * *

"No!" Teyla's scream echoed through the darkness, chilling Charin's elderly bones. Her love for this young woman was great but she knew that the last of Teyla's grief must be allowed to come out. She sat very still as the painful past went into its last agony.

* * *

_The emptiness beside me in our bed has grown heavier over the weeks since Janos was taken by the Wraith. The only thing that keeps me from letting the grief overwhelm me is the new life growing in my body. I still have a part of him to love._

_The pain in my belly starts slowly and wakes me in the middle of the night. The drops of blood that come with it alarm me. I dress hurriedly and make my way to Charin's tent. _

_As I stand in the warm room, I begin to tremble. The pain flares into excruciating cramps. Before Charin can do anything to help, a gush of blood and fluid streams down my legs. Her arms hold me as I cry in new grief. _

* * *

The elderly woman's strong arms belied her age as she held Teyla. The young woman's grief was as heartbreaking this night as it had been all those years ago. Charin continued to hold her as the layers of emotion swept through, cleansing, reconciling, renewing her life. The minutes went by slowly, the tears cycling down to gentle sobs.

Teyla raised her head and stared into the fire. The last tears faded and a hopeful smile replaced the old sadness.

"His name is John Sheppard and he is my friend. Someday I know he will be more."

In the dying embers of the fire, Teyla saw a vibrant image of green eyes, dark hair, bantering laughter, and a guitar.


End file.
